Pronunciation Guide to English Names

An old couple living in Gloucester
Had a beautiful girl but they loucester.
She fell from a yacht
And never the spacht
Could be found where the cold waves had toucester.

An old lady living in Worcester
Had a gift of a handsome young rorcester;
But the way that it crough,
As 'twould never get through,
Was more than the lady was uorcester.

An obstinate lady of Leicester
Wouldn't marry her swain, though he preicester.
For his income, I fear,
Was a hundred a year,
On which he could never have dreicester.

There was a mechalnwick of Alnwick
Whose opinions were anti-Germalnwick.
So when war had begun
He went off with a gun
The proportions of which were Titalnwick.

A youthful schoolmistress named Beauchamp
Said: These awful boys, how shall I teauchamp?
For they will not behave
Although I look grave
And with tears in my eyes I beseauchamp.

A bald-headed judge named Beauclerk
Fell in love with a maiden seau ferk,
Residing at Bicester,
Who said, when he kicester,
"I won't wed a man with neau herk!"

There was a young fellow of Beaulieu
Who loved a fair maiden most treaulieu.
Said he, "Wilt thou be mine?"
When she didn't decline
The marriage was solemnised deaulieu.

A charming young lady named Geoghegan,
Whose Christian names are less peoghegan
Will be Mrs Knollys
Very soon at All Ksollys;
But the date is at present a veogheg'un.

There was a young lady named Wemyss
Who, it semyss, was afflicted with dremyss.
She would wake in the night
And, in a terrible fright,
Shake the bemyss of the house with her scremyss.

There was a young fellow named Cholmondeley,
Whose bride was so mellow and colmondeley
That the best man, Colquhoun,
An inane young bolqufoun,
Could only stand still and stare dolmondeley.

The bridegroom's first cousin, young Belvoir,
Whose dad was a Lancashire welvoir,
Arrived with George Bohun
At just about nohun
When excitement was mounting to felvoir.

An adventurous pirate named Menzies
Once waylaid and captured two denzies.
The Rover, Sir Ralph,
Said, "Do you think that's salph?
You don't want to damage your thenzies."

The Baron of Fawsley, Lord St John,
Had a fine buckskin coat with a frt john.
He said, "It was guthven
Me by Viscount Ruthven,
Who thinks I'm a cowboy, or t john."

As a youngster Sir Reggie Pole-Carew
Was a cissy, and dubbed the schole-farew.
He fled from Lord Tyrwhitt,
Who dressed as a spyrwhitt,
For he found any ghost or ghole-scarew.

A colonel by name Leveson Gower
Mixed tequila and lime jeveson mower
In a drink for Miss Featherstonehaugh
Who said to him, "Meatherstonehaugh,
This stuff might have some yeveson wower."

There was a young student at Caius
Who whizzed down the slopes on his skaius;
But a Fellow of Magdalene
Said "I prefer dagdalene -
"I've got where I am by degraius!"

There was an old lady of Wymondham
Who caught people's kittens and skymondham;
She made lovely fur hats
From the skins of the cats,
Then she chopped 'em and cooked 'em and tymondham.

A dashing young fellow named Cockburn
Was attempting to travel to Holborn.
He asked with a cough
If he please could get ough
When he found himself en route to Oban.

A visiting lady from Appisurgh,
Said "How they talk here would amappiz'urgh:
Typhoo, it is written
Put the T into Britain,
So who took the P out of Happisburgh?